As a child, I always wanted to be a Mom but often could not picture myself in that role. I sometimes wondered if I would be good enough (a thought that I often have about many things). Two decades into my adulthood my thoughts changed from "am I good enough" to "will I even have a chance to be a Mom?" Throw in two decades of failed relationships which left me believing I wouldn't become a Mom unless I adopted or became a foster parent.
There was something else that stood in my way of becoming a Mom (other than myself), my career. At 30 years old, I became a police officer. Being a police officer was something I dreamed of for many years and I was beyond giddy (annoyingly so). I was in a serious relationship when I went through the police academy. The academy was tough and was all I thought about for several months. Even though I was engaged, I could not even begin to think about becoming a Mom. After completing the academy, field training and my probationary period as an officer, thoughts of being a Mom were that, just thoughts, distant thoughts.
A few years went by and I realized the person I was in a relationship with was "not that into me." I bought my first house all by myself and I was so proud. I loved that little house and I loved my job. I was yet again single and living on my own. I really wanted to have it all. Marriage, family and a career that I loved. Soon after, I quickly realized a pattern in my life. If I wasn't happy in my personal life, my career was going great but when my career wasn't going well, my personal life showed promise.
It wasn't until I was 38 years old that I met my husband, Joe. I had known him for over 10 years and it was kind of funny because he actually worked with my ex-fiance. We dated for a year and a half before getting married. I was 40 and he was 45. When we were talking about getting married we also talked about children. Joe did not have children either and we both talked about how much we would like to try to have a baby. We married and immediately started trying.
I believed we were pregnant right away but that didn't work out. We continued trying but to no avail. My doctor told me that children were not in the cards for us so we gave up. We had a stressful go of our marriage at first. I had quit my job in order to go back to school. Just prior to getting married, I graduated with my bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice. Ten days later, I began graduate school (an accelerated program). Also, we realized that Joe's father wasn't doing well and we were not certain how much longer we were going to have him.
During the second year of our marriage, I lost two family members and we also lost Joe's father. We thought about adopting but were told that we would have to wait two years after a major life event (losing Joe's Dad). Two months later, we lost our 15 year Miniature Pinscher/Chihuahua (Pinschuahua), Lucy. We knew she was sick but with medications we had her two years longer than originally expected. Putting Lucy down was a horrible experience and it all occurred a week prior to my completing graduate school. I'm not certain how I finished (with a 4.0 GPA) but I graduated in August 2011.
The plan was to let me take a break from looking for a job until the beginning of 2012. Our anniversary is in January so to celebrate we took our two dogs camping. This was a crazy trip that included our puppy escaping from our trailer resulting in a 30 minute chase, random gunfire from a competition near the campsite, a severe thunderstorm ripping the cover off of the outside vent of the bathroom, the flooding of the trailer because of the missing cover which eventually led to the puppy peeing on our bed because we couldn't take her outside because of the storm. The next weekend I staged a redo of our anniversary by planning a 'stay-cation.' Nice dinners, movies, no chores, no phones, just a nice peaceful romantic weekend.
Eighteen days later, I wasn't feeling well and started to do the math. Four pregnancy tests later, we are sitting at my doctors office hearing the words I had so longed to hear. "You're pregnant" said our family doctor. I said, "but I'm 42 years old" to which he replied, "I know you are 42 years old." Joe looked like he was going to pass out but soon was asking the doctor if he was sure because the test the doctor gave me looked suspiciously like the three home pregnancy tests I had just taken in the last 24 hours. He was sure.
Fast forward, 39 weeks and a bunch of doctor's visits later, I gave birth to baby boy Landry Lawson Hackfeld weighing in at 10 pounds 4 ounces and 21 1/2 inches long. My miracle baby looked like a three month old compared to all of the other babies in the nursery. Proud daddy bragged about how much Landry weighed when the other fathers asked. Some give me props at delivering such a big baby but I tell them after the last sonogram the day before he was estimated to weigh in at 12 pounds, 10 ounces!
Words cannot describe the joy, love, terror, exhaustion, etc. I felt after Landry was born. I had waited so long and he was finally here with me, us. I had Joe turn the guest room into a nursery, I made two quilts, a fleece blanket as well as a couple dozen burp cloths. People were so generous with giving me their sons clothes that I didn't have to buy clothes until he was 18 months old. I did splurge on a few outfits here and there but I felt blessed to have so much.
Then we got home from the hospital and the exhaustion kicked in. Everyone told me to sleep when the baby sleeps. I previously wondered when am I going to clean the house, cook dinner, take a shower? Now I laugh and began to sleep when he would sleep which wasn't very often. Showers even happened less often sometimes brushing my teeth even less. I look at my blog and realize I haven't posted in a year. I think back to the last year and a half and wonder where has the time gone! So quickly!
I came up with the name Mitzi's Makings to blog about crafts I make. Well, I'm going to break the rules a bit and post pics of the baby we made and not any projects. I am making a promise to blog more often now that I have some "sense of direction" after finally getting some good sleep.
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